There’s a cliché that you need to love yourself before anyone can love you, but like most clichés there’s actually some truth to it. If you can’t see and appreciate your own worth, it’s pretty impossible to believe that anyone else possibly could. You spend so much time telling yourself that you’re horrid and worthless, that even when you’re feeling happier and more confident and things are going right, these negative thoughts are still there festering beneath the surface like an abscess.
"You’re so pleased that someone would give you the time of day; that you would do absolutely anything for them, and you do"
You start a relationship and to begin with everything’s going fine because you’re both on your best behaviour and very receptive to each other. You’re so pleased that someone would give you the time of day; that you would do absolutely anything for them, and you do. You don’t feel worthy of this person so you over-compensate, trying to be everything they want you to be and desperately trying to make them happy. You compromise, self sacrifice and forget what you want and need because now you have them. You can feel that pinch under the skin, but you ignore it because this is your big chance to be happy.
"you make a slight slip up, but rather than disregarding the issue like your partner, you emotionally batter yourself"
But then as you start to get more comfortable with each other, the pressure start’s building in that abscess. Jokes or flippant remarks are taken to heart, flaws are magnified, you make a slight slip up, but rather than disregarding the issue like your partner, you emotionally batter yourself repeatedly at having been so stupid. Your confidence is starting to slip and you begin to wonder what this person even sees in you.
"You feel a bit betrayed, that they would take much more than they’re prepared to give and you start to resent them a little"
You realise that while you would gladly do anything for your partner, they’re not willing to go quite so far for you; they’re not willing to compromise or sacrifice quite as much as you have and that hurts. You feel a bit betrayed, that they would take much more than they’re prepared to give and you start to resent them a little. The poison is really starting to build and you’re constantly aware of that tugging ache. Your insecurity is heightening and the negative thoughts just keep piling up. You’re second guessing everything, and start to believe that they don’t really love you; they’re just using you for what they can get, or the only reason they’re still around is because it’s too much effort to leave, or they’re just waiting for the next best thing to come along.
"you try to hold everything together,
Before long all your fears back you into a corner and you start sabotaging your own life in a twisted self fulfilling prophecy. That abscess is almost at breaking point as you try to hold everything together, while you bite back the resentment and tell yourself that they’re the idiot for thinking they had you fooled. You start acting like you don’t give a shit, in an attempt to fool yourself into believing it.
"You're not communicating properly, you start arguing over every little thing and doing stupid things to spite each other"
You’re inadvertently shutting your partner out and start rubbing each other up the wrong way because you’re not communicating properly, you start arguing over every little thing and doing stupid things to spite each other. It’s getting ridiculous and then one of you lances that abscess. It’s all over and while you’re glad the pressure has been relieved and the pain has stopped, but there’s an ugly hole in what could have been perfect skin.
"But it won't be because you’re still the same person, with all the same issues, only now you have that hole to add to your list of flaws"
When the storm has cleared, you realise your mistakes and promise yourself it’ll be different next time, but it won’t be, because you’re still the same person, with all the same issues, only now you have that hole to add to your list of flaws. So the cycle starts again, escalating each time.
"You can change the way you see
So how does everyone else manage it? Well we all have flaws and while it might not be healthy to ignore them completely, dwelling on them is certainly a recipe for disaster. You can’t change overnight, but you can change the way you see yourself, and as a result you change the way other people respond to you. For example, if you’re a people pleaser who will do anything you’re asked, people will ask you to do everything. They’re happy because you've got it all done, but you’re stressed because you’re trying to balance everything out and don’t have any time for yourself. You’re unhappy and feel taken for granted, you start to think that no-one actually likes or respects you; they’re just being nice to you because they’re getting something out of it, and where that might be the case with some people, it isn't the same for everyone. If you only help on your own terms and when it’s really needed, people will only ask you when they really need the help and the people who were just using you will go find a different doormat. As a result, you’re less stressed and more confident that the people around you are there because that’s where they want to be.
"You have to have mutual respect for each other and you have to communicate rather than hiding away inside your own head"
In short, if you want someone to love you, you have to realize that you are worthwhile and that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. While compromising and making sacrifices often needs to happen in a relationship to keep it strong, it has to be fair and work for both of you. You have to stand up for yourself and assert your own wants and needs, you have to have mutual respect for each other and you have to communicate rather than hiding away inside your own head. Much as you might fall in love with all the little things about a person, you have to fall in love with yourself, recognize your own qualities and all the little things that are special about you. All the things that you’re good at and passionate about, all the things that are important to you and all the positive changes you've made. It makes perfect sense and it’s easy to say, but not so easy to do.
Hey, so I'm Khaos! I'm a twenty-something would be teenager with a compulsion for writing, doodling, music and general silliness. Oh and I have Bipolar, PTSD and mild OCD. This is my blog of rambling, rants and riots as I stumble through life with mental illness. I'm not very politically correct, I swear too much and I have all the tact of a brick to the face. Enjoy!
ALL I'LL EVER BE
ASK ME I WONT SAY NO, HOW COULD I?
ASK ME THE CAMPAIGN
ASK ME THE QUESTIONS
CRASH AND BURN
FROM THE START
I'M STILL AWAKE
KIZZIE VS STIGMA
LIES FOR THE LIARS
LIFE, LOVE AND ARCHIVING
LITTLE MISS SINGLE
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
THE DRAMA OF SHOPPING
THOSE LYING EYES
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE