Before I was diagnosed, all I knew about Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression was that it was some form of mental illness. I think the same can be said for a lot of people. If you search the internet you often just get a list of symptoms re-arranged and rehashed, but essentially the same, and essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Mental illness affects everyone differently, but I hope by sharing my story it will help others to understand the illness better and get a better feel of what it’s like to be a person with Bipolar, rather than a list of potential symptoms.
So this is my account of Bipolar Disorder, what it means to me and how it affects me. Not for the faint hearted, this is my barbed wire sandwich.
Bipolar Disorder
What is that?
Bipolar Disorder also known as Manic Depression; is a mood disorder characterized by extreme mood states ranging from intense euphoria (mania) to severe depression.
How does it affect you?
When I’m manic, I have bags of energy and feel on top of the world. I’m very creative and have so many thoughts and ideas it’s hard to keep track of them, I jump from subject to subject like I’m skipping down stepping stones. Life and soul of the party, I talk too fast and laugh too loud, I’m awesome and I know it and so should everyone else. I can be very conceited and have been known to to be very forceful with my opinions, because I know it all obviously. I can and will do anything; I make rash decisions and end up in risky situations, I become hyper-sexual I no longer have any concept of consequence. I hardly sleep, forget to eat, but maybe drink too much. I obsess over my own thoughts, and become agitated quickly and unpredictably. In extreme episodes I hallucinate and have at times become completely delusional; I was once entirely convinced that I had watched my own death, and then woken up like it had never happened. I started to think I was invincible to the point where I actually tried to prove it.
"I’ll write and draw and sing and be perfect.
I’ll make everyone laugh and party every night"
"I’ll stick my council tax money in a charity box, because the council
are robbing bastards and I used to dress up as an elf for Barnado’s"
"For some reason that I can't really fathom, I would rather repeatedly punch myself in the face than cry in front of people"
I feel so completely worthless and pathetic, everything seems hopeless and there’s just no point to any of it. I feel constantly lethargic and want to sleep all the time just so I don’t have to be awake, even the nightmares are better than my reality. There are days when I hardly get out of bed and others where I’ll get up, but don’t bother getting washed and dressed or even brushing my hair, I just lounge around staring at walls and ceilings, pretending to watch TV and generally doing nothing, because nothing really matters anyway. I can’t concentrate and struggle to do even the simplest things, which just validates my feelings of being useless and wretched. I get so frustrated with struggling to do things, only to mess it up, that I don’t even bother trying anymore. I misdirect my anger and randomly burst into tears at seemingly nothing, and for some reason that I can’t really fathom, I would rather repeatedly punch myself in the face than cry in front of people.
"I suffer from anxiety attacks and become avoidant
of pretty much everything, I just want to disappear"
I used to self harm a lot as it helped me cope, but after 10 years I finally managed to kick the habit. I’ve been cut free for almost three years now, but when I’m depressed I have to fight so hard not to slip back into the habit. When I’m in a depressive phase, I become very suicidal and spend most of my time daydreaming about dying, I’ve acted on the impulse in the past, but now I force myself to remember that the feeling won’t last forever.
"If I could go back in time I’m pretty sure I would punch him in the face"
I was diagnosed in 2009
How long did it take to get diagnosed?
Bloody ages! I was diagnosed with depression by a GP when I was 15. He got me to fill out a questionnaire, announced I was depressed, gave me a script for anti-depressants and sent me packing. He literally spent 5 minutes with me; I even had to fill out the questionnaire in the corridor so he could see the next patient. If I could go back in time I’m pretty sure I would punch him in the face, as his actions that day kick started years of dismissal. Every time I visited a GP complaining of low mood, all they saw was “history of depression” scrawled across my notes, I don’t remember having a proper conversation with any of them; it was just a cycle of get drugs, feel better, come off drugs, feel shit, get drugs... you get the picture. 9 years, a catalogue of scars and a few suicide attempts later and I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
"I had spent years suffering because no-one had
bothered to find out what was actually wrong with me"
I felt such a wide range of emotions, everything from pure rage to absolute relief. The Psychiatrist originally diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, but after throwing a complete bitch fit and pointing out that he was a complete tool and hadn’t listened to a damn thing I’d said (a point proved by the written summary of our chat and his treatment of me) I found I was in fact Bipolar. I was so angry that I had spent years suffering because no-one had bothered to find out what was actually wrong with me. I was angry at myself for not realising, I’d known for so long something must be wrong, but I just dismissed it or mistook it for depression. I never cared about joining the Crazy Train; I was just so relieved that something could be done to make my life more bearable.
"They fixed me up physically, but I felt like they
were trying to punish me for wasting their time"
I’ve been admitted to the general hospital due to overdose and self harm, but I’ve never been admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
Do you feel hospitalization helped you?
Yes and no. They fixed me up physically, but I felt like they were trying to punish me for wasting their time. I was dumped on the Orthopedic ward out of the way, surrounded by all these little old ladies with broken hips and fractured limbs, who were not so subtle about wondering why I was there when I obviously wasn’t physically broken. It was like some in your face irony, these women with their frail bodies failing them, trying to make them last out as long as they could, and me there physically fit and healthy, trying to end my life. I still felt wretched and suicidal, but now I felt incredibly selfish with it.
"I think there is a real lack of understanding and
empathy when it comes to mental illness"
Over the years I have seen numerous GP’s, Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Counselors and Therapists and sadly I have to admit my overall experience with them has been mostly negative. From my own experience and from what I’ve discussed with others, I think there is a real lack of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental illness, especially at GP and hospital level. It’s almost as though you’re dismissed because you don’t have a ‘proper’ illness; they can’t ‘fix’ you and don’t really understand the implications of your illness, so they send you away. I’ve been referred and re-referred here there and everywhere so many times I’ve lost count.
"My current GP is absolutely brilliant and I can’t fault her"
I also have nothing but praise for a paramedic I came across once, I had cut myself to tatters and while his partner looked at me with what looked like disgust, he was kind and compassionate and gave me a number for a self-harm group that could help me find “other ways to cope” I never went to the group, but those few words made me think about all the reasons I cut, and that was the day I finally started trying to stop.
Finally I saw a psychologist called Sally, I only had 8 sessions with her, but she was brilliant and helped me look at myself and my reactions to things. I can’t help thinking a year with her and I’d have been set for life.
What treatment if any are you undertaking?
I am taking a lovely cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and waiting to start CBT.
"After I while I decided that actually, existing but not really
living was not better than dying and asked to be taken off them"
Yes, it murders my creativity, dampens my good mood and at times makes me feel dead inside. It makes me really tired and groggy in the morning even if I’ve slept well and it’s hard to wake up. I feel sick and giddy if I forget to take them, which in a way is a good thing because my memory is awful.
Have you tried any other treatments?
I was prescribed Olanzapine in my original cocktail which didn’t like me at all. They completely zombified me and made me put on loads of weight. I stayed on them for a while in the hope that they’d even out and with the solace that it was better than killing myself. After I while I decided that actually, existing but not really living was not better than dying and asked to be taken off them.
I’ve also had brief psychotherapy, EMDR for PTSD but that was postponed while I was referred for bereavement counselling, which didn’t go well because I didn’t feel comfortable with the counsellor.
Did you share your diagnosis with family and friends?
Yes, I’m very open about having Bipolar.
Did any of your family or friends have a negative reaction?
Not really, I was pretty lucky in that respect. My friends already knew I was wacky and difficult, having a reason for it didn’t really matter to them.
"I feel as though I have wronged them and don’t
know how to explain why I’ve shut them out"
Yes. Not in the sense that they went ewww mental get away from me! But I have lost a lot of friends due to cutting myself off from people during depressive episodes. If you ignore people’s calls and texts, there’s only so long before they’ll give up and think you don’t want to know them. Which is a perfectly natural response, we don’t want to stalk people or waste time and effort on people who don’t want to know us, so we simply fade out of their lives. I only have myself to blame for this outcome, I should get back in touch with them once my depressive episode is over, but this is something I’ve always found completely impossible to do. I feel as though I have wronged them and don’t know how to explain why I’ve shut them out, I feel awkward and guilty and the longer I leave it, the harder it gets.
"The only way you can know what someone goes through
is to ask them, which isn’t always an easy thing to do"
No. I think it’s very difficult to understand Bipolar unless you have it. I have a friend who suffers from Psychosis who probably has the best idea of what I go through, because some of symptoms of these illnesses overlap. If you Google Bipolar Disorder you are confronted with loads of sites, all showing lists of symptoms, which in the grand scheme of things are useless to someone trying to understand what it’s like to have Bipolar. There are several types of Bipolar and mental illness effects everyone differently, so you may be reading up on the wrong type, or the person you’re trying to understand, may not even suffer with some of the symptoms you’re looking at. The only way you can know what someone goes through is to ask them, which isn’t always an easy thing to do. And even if you do ask them, they may not be in the right mood to tell you.
Do you tell new people about your condition?
Yes, I usually get it out of the way pretty quickly, because if people have a problem with my mental illness, I’d rather they go and have it somewhere else.
"I may as well say ‘I have gibberyjabbery syndrome’
as I’m pretty sure I’d get the same response"
The most common reaction is ‘oh okay’ I think mainly because people don’t know what it is, even when you say manic depression, people are still lost. I may as well say ‘I have gibberyjabbery syndrome’ as I’m pretty sure I’d get the same response. Occasionally I get asked ‘what’s that?’ and I give them a brief outline, but that’s usually where the conversation ends.
Do you think people perceive you differently once they know of your mental health issues?
It depends on the person. I have some very close friends whose response was ‘I always knew you were frikkin mental’ and we sometimes talk about it and even laugh about it and I can honestly say they don’t treat me any different because of my illness.
"Was he worried he may have caught crazy by hanging out with
me, or was he simply implying that I hid being metal very well?"
One thing that I have noticed from being open about my Bipolar; people rarely ask me how it affects me, but they do often ask me about mental illness with regards to other people they know, and not just about Bipolar, ANY potential mental illness like I’m suddenly a walking DSM. I don’t mind sharing the knowledge I’ve picked up along the way, or pointing people in the right direction to find out what they need to know, I simply find it interesting that people find it easier to talk about someone, rather than to them.
"I constantly have a voice in my head telling me how useless and worthless I am"
Yes definitely. When I’m having a depressive episode I constantly have a voice in my head telling me how useless and worthless I am, and even when the depression leaves, the voice stays with me, because it’s my voice. Even when I’m manic, the voice is still there, I just ignore it.
Is your self image affected by your mental health?
Yes. When I’m depressed, I absolutely despise myself. I hate everything I say and do and feel. I can hardly bear to look at myself, photographs that I once loved, now disgust me. I become prone to a vicious cycle of self neglect; I’m worthless so why bother? I haven’t bothered so now I feel even more worthless.
"A small gesture, but at that moment it meant more to me than anything"
Knowing that the feeling won’t last forever and that I have a life to come back to when I’m ready, knowing that I haven’t been forgotten. My friend once text me the lyrics to ‘The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get’ I cried for hours, but afterwards I was on my way out of a really dark place. A small gesture, but at that moment it meant more to me than anything.
Out of context it’s just a stalkerish sounding Morrissey song; but it meant so much to know that not only had my friend picked up on my habit of using songs to communicate my feelings, he was also saying, “I’m here, I miss you and despite the fact that you’re useless and ignoring me, I’ll still be here when you’re done sulking” but in a much more articulate and caring way.
"I’m still bubbly and enthusiastic and creative and funny, or so I’m told.
I can get out of bed and have a normal day of just being me"
It’s not all doom and gloom and I do have a semblance of normality between the rise and crash of the waves. I’m not always high as a kite or lower than hell and for the most part I think I function quite well. I’m still bubbly and enthusiastic and creative and funny, or so I’m told. I can get out of bed and have a normal day of just being me. I think to a certain extent having been so low, helps me appreciate being okay and I can see a funny side of life, that I think a lot of people miss as they rush around their all important lives. If you take a minute to look for the humour and the good things in the world, you will find some and kick yourself for never seeing them before.
"Avoid getting arrested for being drunk by having
an enthusiastically eccentric conversation with the police"
If your dreams and nightmares were in the same place, would you still go there?