So I hate shopping. As a woman I am probably betraying my kind by saying this, but tough. Here are my reasons for hating one of Britain’s most loved pastimes.
Crowds
No matter what time, inevitably any shopping centre you visit will be buzzing with varying sizes of crowds. My problem with crowds is that a vast quantity of the population are seemingly generically stupid and crowds mean that you are likely to come into contact with one or more of these people, causing varying degrees of annoyance.
The Dodgy Trolley
We’ve all been there, you grab a trolley dash into the store and start your shopping assault; only to realise your chosen trolley has a dodgy wheel that causes you to veer to the right, jams periodically or screeches like a banshee . Or that there’s some unidentifiable sticky substance daubed across the bottom that’s now smearing itself onto your groceries. Or that there’s a screw that’s sticking out of the handle where the scanner holder used to be that now keeps jabbing into your hand.
Overzealous sales staff
You know the kind, the second you step in the store they’re on you like a fly on shit. Can I help you today Madame? Yes, you can fuck off and don’t call me Madame. I would absolutely recommend... Well you fucking buy it then.
Sales assistants who don’t know wtf they’re talking about
You’re in a specialist shop, so you assume the staff will have a little knowledge about what they’re selling. You’re wrong. Oh so very wrong, and not only that, they’ll make stuff up so they don’t ‘look’ like they don’t know what they’re talking about.
Crowds
No matter what time, inevitably any shopping centre you visit will be buzzing with varying sizes of crowds. My problem with crowds is that a vast quantity of the population are seemingly generically stupid and crowds mean that you are likely to come into contact with one or more of these people, causing varying degrees of annoyance.
The Dodgy Trolley
We’ve all been there, you grab a trolley dash into the store and start your shopping assault; only to realise your chosen trolley has a dodgy wheel that causes you to veer to the right, jams periodically or screeches like a banshee . Or that there’s some unidentifiable sticky substance daubed across the bottom that’s now smearing itself onto your groceries. Or that there’s a screw that’s sticking out of the handle where the scanner holder used to be that now keeps jabbing into your hand.
Overzealous sales staff
You know the kind, the second you step in the store they’re on you like a fly on shit. Can I help you today Madame? Yes, you can fuck off and don’t call me Madame. I would absolutely recommend... Well you fucking buy it then.
Sales assistants who don’t know wtf they’re talking about
You’re in a specialist shop, so you assume the staff will have a little knowledge about what they’re selling. You’re wrong. Oh so very wrong, and not only that, they’ll make stuff up so they don’t ‘look’ like they don’t know what they’re talking about.
People who stand too close to you in the queue
Yes, it’s a queue we all stand in a line I get it, but there is no fathomable reason that I can think of that requires you to stand so close to me I can feel your breath on the back of my neck.
People who push in the queue
You’ve stood in the queue like a patient, normal human being and along comes some self-righteous prick that thinks they’re too good to wait in queues. They then have the outright nerve to argue with you when you point out that they’re pushing in. My usual solution to this is to fiercely push back in front of them casting them a crazed “I’m out on day release” look.
Chatty cashiers
I don’t mean the few and far between friendly customer focused chatty cashiers who give service with a smile; I mean the dim witted lazy cashiers who spend 10 minutes talking to their so-called friend, who was only buying 2 things about their holiday in Prestatyn, when let’s face it, if they were a real friend they would already know about your stupid holiday because of the thousand and one status’ you posted about it on Facebook!
People who argue with the cashier
This is rarely ever due to a legitimate reason. It’s usually because the customer has read the special offer wrong, or their coupons are out of date, they’ve miscalculated the amount of their shopping, or they’re trying to return a non-refundable item, they want a refund without a receipt or the price of Chum has gone up by 3p. All things the cashier can’t do anything about and really couldn’t give a shit about.
Rude or miserable sales assistants
Okay so I get that you’ve probably had a shit day full of arsehole customers, but that’s my fault and I’m not one of them, so don’t be taking your shit out on me because your bad attitude is likely to make me your next arsehole customer.
Slow Cashiers
You know the ones, they move at the speed of a spastic tortoise and watching them is like watching a stop motion animation being made; you blink and you’re not sure if they’ve moved or not and you’re painfully aware of the minutes of your life that you will never get back.
Passive aggressive cashiers
Maybe they’re having a bad day, maybe it’s that time of the month, or maybe they’re just a miserable bastard. Whatever the reason, these are the cashiers that throw your groceries in your general direction with such force they could take out a baby.
Change on top of notes or receipts
You’ve paid for your stuff and the cashier shoves a receipt in your hand and any paper money you’re lucky enough to be getting back, THEN puts coins on top of it, forcing an impromptu juggling act with your bags and purse as you try to manoeuvre everything into its correct place. This may just be my obsessive compulsive side kicking in, but this concept to me is completely stupid.
Faulty self check outs
You’ve only got a couple of items or you’re in a rush so you go to the self check out only to hear, unexpected item in bagging area, please remove item and carry on, I wouldn’t mind but there’s only one fucking thing in it and that’s the thing I just scanned! *Smash*
Shops that are ridiculously overpriced
1x500ml can Relentless Energy Drink Asda =£1 WH Smiths = £2.39 Need I say more?
The 12 weeks of Christmas
That’s right not days, weeks. The organised few start their Christmas shopping in October the minute the stores get the stock and for the most part they go un-noticed. But November and December the shops are inundated with Christmas shoppers. But it doesn’t stop there, oh no, then there’s the January sales to get through. I go to town for shampoo and socks, three hours later I’m sat in a corner rocking back and forth cuddling a loaf of bread.
Aisle blockers
They’re standing there gazing lovingly at a pack of spaghetti with their trolley splashed out horizontally across the aisle, while everyone else tries to squeeze past them or U-turns back the other way. There’s no telling whether this breed of shopper is oblivious to their awkward inconsideration, or whether they do it just to be a twat. Either way it’s bloody annoying.
People banging into you
We’ve all done it, you’re not paying attention, you’re looking in a window or you’re on the phone and bang! You’ve collided with another human being. You apologise and move on with your life and all is well with the world. My problem is the people who bang into you and then tut or glare like it’s your fault for being in their way, or they push past you to get by rather than saying excuse me. Hello! I’m not invisible and I’m not exactly fucking small so watch where you’re going or learn some manners.
Buy one get one free
There’s a buy-one-get-one-free offer on... but they only have one left. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that bothered, but the Co-op are repeat offenders of this one, to the point where I begin to wonder if they’re doing it simply to “pretend” they have special offers on, when the last one is bought, they replace it with another single item.
Oblivious parenting
Children don’t like shopping. It’s boring and what do children do when they’re bored? They entertain themselves, usually by causing mischief of some sort. I don’t blame them, at 27 I still react the same, although you don’t see many toddlers slipping boxes of condoms into people’s shopping. Mischief is brilliant, what I can’t stand is the half hour screaming marathon, the child arguing with the parent and swearing more than I do, or the kids running rampage through the store while the parent is completely oblivious. Children are going to play up when they’re out shopping, but it’s up to the parents to rein them in when they start to go too far.
Altercations with fellow shoppers
People who hit you with trolleys, bags, buggies, children and tut like it’s your fault rather than apologising for their mistake.
Bumping into people you know
Bumping in to friends is fine, but when you bump into someone you only vaguely know and they stop you to chat for three hours it can get a little irritating.
Repeatedly being ambushed by sales people
You’re walking through town and repeatedly get stopped by people trying to get you to sign up for Sky, buy RAC breakdown cover, switch your gas and electricity or get your eyebrows threaded. I don’t want Sky, I don’t have a car, I don’t pay the gas bill and I’d rather rip my eyes out than have my eyebrows threaded again thank you very much!
Yes, it’s a queue we all stand in a line I get it, but there is no fathomable reason that I can think of that requires you to stand so close to me I can feel your breath on the back of my neck.
People who push in the queue
You’ve stood in the queue like a patient, normal human being and along comes some self-righteous prick that thinks they’re too good to wait in queues. They then have the outright nerve to argue with you when you point out that they’re pushing in. My usual solution to this is to fiercely push back in front of them casting them a crazed “I’m out on day release” look.
Chatty cashiers
I don’t mean the few and far between friendly customer focused chatty cashiers who give service with a smile; I mean the dim witted lazy cashiers who spend 10 minutes talking to their so-called friend, who was only buying 2 things about their holiday in Prestatyn, when let’s face it, if they were a real friend they would already know about your stupid holiday because of the thousand and one status’ you posted about it on Facebook!
People who argue with the cashier
This is rarely ever due to a legitimate reason. It’s usually because the customer has read the special offer wrong, or their coupons are out of date, they’ve miscalculated the amount of their shopping, or they’re trying to return a non-refundable item, they want a refund without a receipt or the price of Chum has gone up by 3p. All things the cashier can’t do anything about and really couldn’t give a shit about.
Rude or miserable sales assistants
Okay so I get that you’ve probably had a shit day full of arsehole customers, but that’s my fault and I’m not one of them, so don’t be taking your shit out on me because your bad attitude is likely to make me your next arsehole customer.
Slow Cashiers
You know the ones, they move at the speed of a spastic tortoise and watching them is like watching a stop motion animation being made; you blink and you’re not sure if they’ve moved or not and you’re painfully aware of the minutes of your life that you will never get back.
Passive aggressive cashiers
Maybe they’re having a bad day, maybe it’s that time of the month, or maybe they’re just a miserable bastard. Whatever the reason, these are the cashiers that throw your groceries in your general direction with such force they could take out a baby.
Change on top of notes or receipts
You’ve paid for your stuff and the cashier shoves a receipt in your hand and any paper money you’re lucky enough to be getting back, THEN puts coins on top of it, forcing an impromptu juggling act with your bags and purse as you try to manoeuvre everything into its correct place. This may just be my obsessive compulsive side kicking in, but this concept to me is completely stupid.
Faulty self check outs
You’ve only got a couple of items or you’re in a rush so you go to the self check out only to hear, unexpected item in bagging area, please remove item and carry on, I wouldn’t mind but there’s only one fucking thing in it and that’s the thing I just scanned! *Smash*
Shops that are ridiculously overpriced
1x500ml can Relentless Energy Drink Asda =£1 WH Smiths = £2.39 Need I say more?
The 12 weeks of Christmas
That’s right not days, weeks. The organised few start their Christmas shopping in October the minute the stores get the stock and for the most part they go un-noticed. But November and December the shops are inundated with Christmas shoppers. But it doesn’t stop there, oh no, then there’s the January sales to get through. I go to town for shampoo and socks, three hours later I’m sat in a corner rocking back and forth cuddling a loaf of bread.
Aisle blockers
They’re standing there gazing lovingly at a pack of spaghetti with their trolley splashed out horizontally across the aisle, while everyone else tries to squeeze past them or U-turns back the other way. There’s no telling whether this breed of shopper is oblivious to their awkward inconsideration, or whether they do it just to be a twat. Either way it’s bloody annoying.
People banging into you
We’ve all done it, you’re not paying attention, you’re looking in a window or you’re on the phone and bang! You’ve collided with another human being. You apologise and move on with your life and all is well with the world. My problem is the people who bang into you and then tut or glare like it’s your fault for being in their way, or they push past you to get by rather than saying excuse me. Hello! I’m not invisible and I’m not exactly fucking small so watch where you’re going or learn some manners.
Buy one get one free
There’s a buy-one-get-one-free offer on... but they only have one left. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that bothered, but the Co-op are repeat offenders of this one, to the point where I begin to wonder if they’re doing it simply to “pretend” they have special offers on, when the last one is bought, they replace it with another single item.
Oblivious parenting
Children don’t like shopping. It’s boring and what do children do when they’re bored? They entertain themselves, usually by causing mischief of some sort. I don’t blame them, at 27 I still react the same, although you don’t see many toddlers slipping boxes of condoms into people’s shopping. Mischief is brilliant, what I can’t stand is the half hour screaming marathon, the child arguing with the parent and swearing more than I do, or the kids running rampage through the store while the parent is completely oblivious. Children are going to play up when they’re out shopping, but it’s up to the parents to rein them in when they start to go too far.
Altercations with fellow shoppers
People who hit you with trolleys, bags, buggies, children and tut like it’s your fault rather than apologising for their mistake.
Bumping into people you know
Bumping in to friends is fine, but when you bump into someone you only vaguely know and they stop you to chat for three hours it can get a little irritating.
Repeatedly being ambushed by sales people
You’re walking through town and repeatedly get stopped by people trying to get you to sign up for Sky, buy RAC breakdown cover, switch your gas and electricity or get your eyebrows threaded. I don’t want Sky, I don’t have a car, I don’t pay the gas bill and I’d rather rip my eyes out than have my eyebrows threaded again thank you very much!