I’m in that phase where I’m not manic and I’m not really depressed, I’m just numb. It’s like being stuck in purgatory waiting to start living again. I want to get my blog up and running, so I keep doing little snippets for that, but I can’t get them just right, or I get distracted or I run out of things to say, or worse still, I realise I just can’t be arsed. I’ve spent so much of the last few days just looking at nothing while I try and get through to my creativity, which seems to have gone AWOL without leaving so much as a note. So here I am throwing ideas at the wall and hoping something will stick, only to realise that what does stick is absolute drivel or completely mediocre. So I take it down and think sod it, I’ll just do something else; But what? I don’t want to watch a movie or play a game, I don’t want to go out, don’t want to talk to anyone or be around people. I’ve started crafting projects and bought ingredients to cook and bake, but I don’t want to do that either. I’ve been reading a book at intervals just to keep from staring at the wall. I’m completely stuck. It’s like all the colour and fun has been drained from everything I would normally love doing, everything’s grey and depressing and I want no part of it. I forced myself to tidy up a bit, just so I don’t get whinged at more than anything, but even that was a half hearted bare minimal attempt.
I guess it’s the medication keeping me from going to extremes, but at times like this I wonder is it really worth it? Is this the most I can ever hope to get from life? I miss the dizzying highs, and right now even the murky depths of depression seem favourable to this nothingness. At least in the pits of hell I’m still able to feel. It’s like I’m not even alive anymore, I’m just a ghost in my own life, going through the motions and getting nowhere. I want to FEEL something! Good or bad whatever I don’t care, I just want to know that part of me is still here.
I guess it’s the medication keeping me from going to extremes, but at times like this I wonder is it really worth it? Is this the most I can ever hope to get from life? I miss the dizzying highs, and right now even the murky depths of depression seem favourable to this nothingness. At least in the pits of hell I’m still able to feel. It’s like I’m not even alive anymore, I’m just a ghost in my own life, going through the motions and getting nowhere. I want to FEEL something! Good or bad whatever I don’t care, I just want to know that part of me is still here.