I’ve never been one of those people who feel like they’re only complete when they’re in a relationship. I actually enjoy being single, you can do what you want, go where you want and come back as pissed as want, without having to consult anyone, compromise or worry about anyone sulking about it afterwards. You don’t have to put up with anyone else’s bad habits, creepy friends or annoying parents, you don’t have to merge timetables and you don’t have to cut down on seeing your friends. I could go on and do a whole list of things I love about being single, but I could also do a list about all the things I love and miss about being in a relationship, like cuddling up on the sofa, having someone else make you a cup of tea and always having someone to drag along to a gig with you, even though they hate the band and are only going for the thank you sex.
As I look around my friends, almost all of them have partners; some have even taken the leap to get married, live together or have children. And then there’s me, little miss single, still running around like a deranged teenager and getting drunk on the swings. I’ll be 28 in four days, I should be getting my life together and settling down, but instead I’m wandering around drunk, breaking into public gardens and wearing a hat that has cat ears!
I want someone to cuddle up to and share my life with, but whenever I meet someone new, it’s like I suddenly become completely phobic. I don’t mind a quick fumble behind the bike sheds, but be your girlfriend? You've GOT to be kidding love. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m worried that society is going to label me an old maid, because sorry society, I couldn't give a shit what you think, I just worry that I’m always going to be completely phobic and end up a lonely, bitter, deranged old woman living with 50 cats and a chipmunk because “people just don’t get me”.
I love cats, but I want the 2.4 children and a Labrador thing, I want someone to love and to love me. And that’s where the problem lies. Someone once told me that I have an addictive personality that draws people to me, and to a certain extent they’re right. The other day I was in the pub with I <3 vagina sharpied on one arm and I want pussy on the other (what can I say my friends are arseholes) I’d also smooched my female friend for a photo and STILL I had some guy giving me the come on. I know men like a challenge, but THAT is just ridiculous. And it's not just guys, every time I go near that pub I end up chatting or dancing with a bunch of strangers, I’m out with my friends, minding my own business and being my usual ridiculous self and people just warm to me.
My last relationship ended mostly due to the fact my boyfriend wanted to move to a shithole 35 miles away and I didn’t want to go. His reason for wanting to move: To be closer to his job and get a lie in. My reason for not wanting to: My sister had just moved in with us and my Nan has Alzheimer’s and I wanted to be close to her while she still knew who I was. So after lots of arguing, I suggested the compromise that we move 17 miles or so towards the shithole to be fair to both of us. But that wasn’t good enough. I’d beat him hands down with the reasoning and even offered a compromise, so leaving me because of that would have made him seem like a right arsehole, so instead he used this little line... “I can’t cope with your Bipolar” and I think that may have been the cruellest, most damaging thing anyone has ever said to me.
Even though I know it wasn’t the real reason, I can’t get past it and I can’t shake the fear that it will happen again because people only ever want to see one side of the coin. I live my life like I’m on stage, constantly aware of people watching me and critiquing my every move. I always put on a great show, but when the curtain comes down and the music stops I’m like an empty shell, broken, useless and unwanted. See it’s easy to love the girl bouncing around acting crazy with a smile on her face, but no-one wants to love her when she stops smiling and starts actually being crazy. It’s such a letdown, like watching a film and falling for the lead actor, only to meet them in real life and find out they’re a complete arsehole.
So whenever opportunity comes knocking, I run like my life depends on it. I never give them the chance to get close enough to hurt me and I never let them stay long enough to leave me. I know in doing so I’ve probably dodged a few bullets, but I’ve also probably missed out. I know that if I don’t want to spend my whole life missing out and turning everyone down, I have to change, I have to put my heart on the line and dive right in. But I’ve never been any good at diving and it’s going to take a hell of a lot of standing on the edge to work up the courage to do it. So while everyone else is trying to find love, I’m trying to find the courage to stop running away. Does anyone else have the same problem?