Borderline Personality Disorder, generalized anxiety and emetaphobia.
What is that?
Anxiety - being scared and/or worried about something, usually with me it is with something happening or doing something new.
Borderline Personality Disorder (for me anyway) extreme fear of being abandoned, crazily impulsive behaviour, self harming actions, difficulty controlling my anger, suicidal thoughts and actions and crazy mood swings.
Emetaphobia - chronic fear of vomiting... For be it stops me doing so many things, it is my main cause for my anxiety and causes a lot of issues.
"I struggle to define the difference between 'love' and 'obsession'.
I honestly don't believe I understand what love is, I just
obsess over people and become kinda stalker-ish"
Borderline Personality Disorder - It effects my chances of a healthy relationship, I struggle to define the difference between 'love' and 'obsession'. I honestly don't believe I understand what love is, I just obsess over people and become kinda stalker-ish which in the end pushes them away. My issues with anger usually end up with me throwing major tantrums and looking very childish. Mood swings just make me angry, upset me and leave me feeling in a pickle.
Emetaphobia - This actually affects me the most, it stops me doing silly things like going on public transport, I will never fly again or go on a boat or train. I don’t eat at restaurants and won't eat any take away other than one I know is safe. I will never have children and it ended my dream career or working with the elderly through the fact that germs spread like wildfire in a care home environment.
Anxiety - causes panic attacks which it turn, cause me to feel sick, which then triggers my emetaphobia and the loop starts again until I end up self - harming.
"Doctors kept telling me I was just growing up and hormonal,
I eventually got the diagnosis when I was 19. So it took a good few years"
Anxiety - since I was about 11
Emetaphobia - Nov 2011
Borderline Personality Disorder - May 2012
How long did it take to get diagnosed?
Anxiety - A few months, but I didn't know what was happening to me, I was only 11.
Emetaphobia - As with any phobia you know yourself when you’re scared of something and I have been since forever, Googling came up with the posh name for it, but I was given the 'label' aged 18.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Thinking about it, I have shown some BPD symptoms since I was younger (say about 6/7) but I guess it really kicked off when I was about 13... Doctors kept telling me I was just growing up and hormonal, I eventually got the diagnosis when I was 19. So it took a good few years.
How did you feel when you were diagnosed?
Anxiety - I was pretty confused, I was young, I honestly believed I was physically ill and didn't understand it was psychological. I never really knew how to control it.
Emetaphobia - I already knew it.
Borderline Personality Disorder - I was kind of half expecting it, a previous doctor had already told me I was showing signs but nothing could be done due to my age, but I guess I was kind of 'relieved' as my random 'symptoms' had a name... It was a shock too.
"I have spent hours in a room with the crisis team, begging them
to put me in hospital because I cannot cope, only to be
told to go home and the crisis team will ring me the next day"
Nope, during a really bad period I begged and begged the crisis team for a break in hospital and some proper support, but I was told it wouldn't help.
How do you feel about your overall experience with medical healthcare professionals?
Awful! My doctors now are pretty good, but there is only so much they can do, they have to refer to the 'proper' people, and that is where it all goes wrong.
The crisis team are in my eyes rubbish, they tell me to get a job and send me away, tell me I am not depressed and that it is just a phase, I have spent hours in a room with the crisis team, begging them to put me in hospital because I cannot cope, only to be told to go home and the crisis team will ring me the next day, despite being dragged into A+E against my will in an ambulance because I am 'unsafe'
My psychiatrist is pretty useless too, he frequently tells me things are going to happen and they never do, I guess that is due to budget cuts and all that. He promised me a CPN within a month and the duty team to ring me once a week until then, that never happened and it has been 3 months and no sign of this CPN.
"They read a bit to much into it and somehow ended up with the outcome that they have to treat me like a 2 year old because I 'cannot control my emotions'"
I'm on medication.
Does your treatment have any negative side effects?
They cause me to gain weight.
Have you tried any other treatments?
Nope, I was put forward for CBT by the psych, went for the initial meeting and was told I couldn't do it as I was on the waiting list for a CPN.
Did you share your diagnosis with family and friends?
Yeah, I'm pretty open with my diagnosis, if people ask I tell them.
Did any of your family or friends have a negative reaction?
One of my parents had an odd reaction, never being all the caring anyway, they read a bit to much into it and somehow ended up with the outcome that they have to treat me like a 2 year old because I 'cannot control my emotions'. My sister also tells my parents I should be put in a home for mentally ill people. Lovely.
Have you lost any friends or family due to your mental health issues?
Yeah quite a few, but I think that's more down to me acting on my insecurities (e.g abandonment fears sparking obsessions) rather than the fact I am mentally ill.
"A lot people seem to confuse 'Borderline Personality Disorder' for 'Dissociative identity disorder' so I get asked if there is more than 1 personality inside me"
Overall no. Some of them will listen and see how it is for me, others read about it on the net and decide it's the same for everyone and others just don't bother.
Do you tell new people about your condition?
Yup, if someone asks I tell them.
If so, what kind of reaction do you usually get?
A lot people seem to confuse 'Borderline Personality Disorder' for 'Dissociative identity disorder' so I get asked if there is more than 1 personality inside me, or people just shrug and change the subject.
Do you think people perceive you differently once they know of your mental health issues?
No not really. My friends know I'm still me. I think new people sometimes tread slightly more carefully.
"I got him as someone to love me no matter what, he's there if I want some cuddles and always ready for a spur of the moment trek up the fields"
Is your self image affected by your mental health?
Yes, especially since my medication causes me to gain a lot of weight.
What’s important to you when you’re struggling?
What keeps you going?
My dog. Bit of a crazy dog lady, but I got him as someone to love me no matter what, he's there if I want some cuddles and always ready for a spur of the moment trek up the fields.